How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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