Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
