Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
