Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
