i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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