ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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