Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
