he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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