dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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