i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
that's an acceptable place to lick
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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