Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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