Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
