The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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