just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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