Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
