i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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