Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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