a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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