get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
