just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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