God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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