you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
