During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
