Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
