There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
