Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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