My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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