he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
