i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
