oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
