Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
