I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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