You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
