I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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