Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
we're so committed to being not committed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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