Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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