UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
