Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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