He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
