I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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