just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize