it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
People in love make me want to vomit
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
