Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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