I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
