dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
