Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
