this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
