do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize