new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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