i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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