I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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