There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
