I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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