at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize