Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
