um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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