just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
