All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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