please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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