I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
