You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
